All about shyness

Insolence is considered the second happiness, and shyness makes a person unhappy. So says folk wisdom. Often this is true. Especially when shyness turns into a painful state in which a person is constantly. You should figure out how to distinguish pathological shyness from shyness and overcome pathology.

What it is?

In psychology, a shy person is described as the individual is fearful, overly shy, fearful of various life situations. Some, when describing a shy individual, even talk about the refinement of his manners, call such a character trait a sign of chastity. Sometimes a shy person is called shy. However, it is not always the same.

The meaning of the word «shy» can be better understood by examining its origins. Such a person, as it were, lives behind a wall that hides him from everyone else. She is a symbol and guarantor of his safety. Checking who is really in front of you — a sick person or just a modest citizen — is quite simple.

Symptoms of the manifestation of pathology are as follows:

  • fear of communication;
  • fear of appearing in society, it is also called social phobia;
  • fear of committing a noticeable act;
  • fear of condemnation;
  • inability to smile, especially to strangers;
  • lack of communication skills with unfamiliar or unfamiliar people.

In addition, you can easily notice the following signs in a shy person:

  • awkwardness in communication;
  • stiffness of thoughts and actions;
  • silence;
  • lack of self-esteem;
  • a tendency to mental anguish or even depression;
  • secrecy, isolation, a constant desire to retire.


As you can see, the concept and its interpretation can be different. Therefore, it is necessary to accurately determine whether a person really has a shyness syndrome, which prevents him from being realized in his personal life and slows down his career climb.


How is it different from modesty?


The difference between shyness and shyness can be compared to an abyss. A modest person will never dye his hair green, a shy person will be afraid of even the slightest change in image. He considers his every act through the eyes of others. What others will say worries him more than his own opinions and desires.

A modest person also thinks about those who are nearby, but from a different perspective. He is polite to those around him. He is not rude or rude, but the shy one is capable of the most vicious statements, only they will be directed exclusively at his own “I”.

There is, of course, a relationship between the two concepts. Yesterday’s modest tomorrow may become a pathologically shy individual. But this is not always the case. It all depends on where this or that character trait comes from.

The reasons

Only a specialist can give an effective and truthful diagnosis of shyness. It is difficult for a person himself to understand the degree of his alienation from society and where it comes from. Moreover, often the habit of hiding behind an invisible or quite tangible wall is born in childhood.

Psychological

When mom or dad constantly scolds their child for any, even the most insignificant fault, sooner or later he will most likely “go into himself”. The same thing can happen with a modest child who is “pressed” by a teacher or a group of peers. Often a person is pushed into the abyss of shyness by circumstances in which he finds himself at the wrong time and in the wrong place. For example, grandparents and parents want to see him as a virtuoso musician or an Olympic champion, but the kid cannot master the violin or skate, thereby causing criticism from adults and a lot of negative emotions within himself.

As a result, he turns out to be unnecessary neither to himself nor to those around him.. As the years go by, his insecurity only grows. He has no friends, because everyone around him seems to be more successful and talented. He is afraid of his own opinion, because it seems to him that it cannot be true a priori.


Therefore, before sending your child to a music school, dance club, wrestling section or hockey club, talk to teachers. Do not demand the impossible from your child.


Physiological


In addition to hidden talents, some parents try to find external data in their children. It seems to each of them that it is their baby that is not only the smartest, but also the most beautiful. Or, in extreme cases, an ugly duckling will certainly make a beautiful swan. Moms take their daughters to fashion model schools, dads send little ones to serious football clubs. Since in the modern world both can most often be done only for money, parents who have them are rarely refused.

As a result, among quite athletic boys, a peanut is 2 times wider than them and for this reason does not show at least some success. And a very talented, but without much charm, girl remains in the shadow of her more spectacular peers. Over time, this shadow most likely becomes a wall that protects a growing person from the whole world.

Another common way to instill an inferiority complex is the complete opposite of the above: when «caring» moms and dads or grandmas and grandpas do not deny anything to their beloved child. As a result, by the 5th grade, the child weighs like an adult, but he does not know anything about adult duties.

He can’t clean his own room, he can’t learn his lessons on his own, he can’t even take out the trash. His peers are always making fun of him. He does not want to communicate with them either at school or outside of it, and he transfers this alienation into adulthood, in which he has no one to help him, which means that he is provided with loneliness and mental problems.

There are, of course, more objective reasons to become shy. At least that’s what they seem to be at first glance. We are talking about physical disabilities — congenital or acquired as a result of accidents or other accidents. Often people with disabilities feel like outcasts. Although there are pleasant exceptions to the rule.

One of the most striking examples of this is the Australian Nicholas James Vuychich. He was born with a rare disease, without arms and legs. However, this did not stop him from becoming one of the world’s most famous motivators for people with disabilities, a writer and a singer. In addition, he is happy in his personal life. He and his wife are raising 2 sons and 2 twin daughters. By the way, all Vuychich’s children are absolutely healthy.

Could it be a problem?


Shyness is not always a problem. She begins to create a real threat when she turns from a cute character trait into a way of life. Sometimes mild shyness can be a positive factor in social adaptation. For example, a modest sweet girl is more likely to please an aged boss than her assertive and brightly made-up competitor. However, this is more the exception than the rule.

More often, a shy person lives, as it were, in a vacuum of his fears and fears. You can’t even say that something he succeeds unsuccessfully. After all, he does not even make attempts to fulfill himself in any of the spheres of life.

In personal life

Finding a life partner (partner) for such a person is not easy, almost impossible, unless, of course, all the same caring relatives find an option. A shy person cannot find a common language with a potential soulmate. In principle, he is not looking for him, as he is afraid to once again raise his eyes to representatives of the opposite sex.

Such people find it difficult to find a family even in their dreams. It seems to them that it is better to be alone than to experience failure or condemnation from others or loved ones.

Thus, fear becomes their only companion in life, with it they lie down, fall asleep, get up, have breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In work


A shy person is not necessarily a stupid person. He may have an excellent education. But he cannot apply his knowledge in practice, as he is afraid to stumble. No one reveals his hidden talents, and over time they are buried deeper and deeper.

A shy person will never initiate the creation of something new, he will not try anything innovative because of the same fear of making mistakes. For him, a step to the left or to the right is an attempt to escape from himself, comparable to jumping into an abyss without insurance. Therefore, most often people who are shy are left out of successful companies or remain in them in very unprestigious positions.

Remember the joke when, when asked where she works, a woman answers that she is in a bank and only then adds that she cleans a financial institution? But in fairness, it must be said that this lady is not from a timid dozen.

A shy person, even if he has a sense of humor, is unlikely to demonstrate it in public, like his other talents.

Correction of pathological shyness

Before you start fighting shyness, you need to understand how much she took possession of a person. Ideally, to do this, you need to contact a specialist. But at the initial stage, you can try to cope with the complex on your own. You need to clearly understand what your shyness leads you to and what your new opposite of it will contribute to.

Write down on a piece of paper what you want to achieve. Make a list of the obstacles that are keeping you from moving forward. Your task is to shorten both lists as soon as possible. Let’s start with the second. To do this, it is recommended to follow several steps.

  • Be in public more often try to talk to the seller in the market or in the nearest store.
  • Change your habitual places of residencego to the new mall instead of the nearest supermarket.
  • Visit an exhibition, go to the cinema or theater. You cannot do it alone, you are afraid of sidelong glances — take your girlfriend, mother or beloved aunt with you. The main thing is not to sit at home.
  • Sign up for a cutting and sewing class, dance studio or gym — whichever you prefer. The main thing is to change the situation and environment as often as possible.
  • Take a trip. Preferably somewhere you haven’t been before. After all, the language will not only bring you to Kyiv, but it will also help you get rid of complexes.
  • Minimize your online communication. By the way, according to many experts, it only contributes to the spread of the symptom of shyness around the world. People forget how to talk eye to eye. It is easier for them to talk about problems to an unknown virtual interlocutor than to a childhood friend. So come back from virtuality to reality.
  • To learn how to speak convincingly both for others and for yourself, take a course in oratory, speak out loud more often. Learn poetry and prose and recite them to begin with, at least in front of a mirror.


However, parting with shyness requires a change not only in actions, but also in the direction of the train of thought, as well as lifestyle and behavior. You have to force yourself to think differently. AT in particular, to learn how to perform certain actions.

  • Don’t think people are worse than they really are.. Look for positive traits in others, not negative ones.
  • During the dialogue, do not «pull the blanket over yourself», but do not give all the reins of power to the interlocutor. Remember: all participants are responsible for the outcome of the conversation.
  • Become more friendly towards everything that surrounds you. Start saying “good morning” to a bird outside the window, then smile at a fellow traveler in public transport or a citizen sitting behind the wheel and stopped in a traffic jam nearby.
  • Be polite to both acquaintances and strangers. This will not only help you integrate into society more easily, but will also set it up positively towards you.
  • Stop pretending like no one else existsand nobody cares about you.
  • Let humor into your life, learn to respond to what is happening around you with a smile. No wonder they say that laughter not only prolongs life. A sense of humor will help you cope with the most difficult situations and come out of them with your head held high.
  • Your goals and objectives must be achievable. Don’t set the bar too high. This threatens another collapse in their own eyes.
  • Forgive yourself for mistakes. They are not made only by those who do nothing at all. Don’t turn every failure into a universal problem. Give yourself the right to make mistakes.


But you have no right to «dissolve» yourself. You must look perfect. Hairstyle, type of nails, clothes — everything should give out confidence in you and at the same time inspire it in you. Throw away your old jeans, change your image, in the end. Do not be afraid to experiment with appearance, just do not go too far. You must look good, not extravagant.

Do auto-training as often as possible. Ask as many questions as possible to yourself and others. But what you can’t do in any case is to look for your own kind. It often happens that a shy person finds an even more “gray mouse” and now, against its background, he is a real cat. But this is just self-deception, which will not only not solve the problem, but also aggravate it. Lying, including to yourself, is not good and even harmful to health.


So be honest, open and courageous, and then the Universe, and those around you, will surely reciprocate, and success will finally come into your life.


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