Jealousy can live in any context. For example, in a family, from children to parents, and parents to children, between brothers and sisters or between spouses; in friendship, when a friend plays with another girl; at work, when a colleague receives praise from superiors for the second month in a row; in studies, when the teacher gives a high mark to the neighbor on the desk. Sometimes exes are jealous of their current partners, a cat, a hobby, etc.
What is jealousy
Jealousy manifests itself in many ways — from aggression with fists to begging on your knees. Some are jealous quietly, not wanting to confess and being ashamed of their feelings, they demonstrate complete indifference.
Jealousy is a natural adequate feeling along with other emotions. It contains fear, love, grief and resentment.
Everyone has their own story
From infancy, each of us experiences the loss of love to varying degrees. And this is inevitable, because the world is arranged in such a way that always and everything will not be enough for us. Just yesterday there was attention and interest from the other side, but now there is none — and this is the bitterness of loss.
To understand what the pain of jealousy is connected with, let’s look at the beginning of the history of each of us.
The first experience of the triangle of relationships is formed in early childhood at the age of 3–5 years. This is “mom — dad — me”, in the absence of a parent there is always a substitute figure — a nanny, grandmother, etc.
This is the so-called period of the Oedipal conflict, when special feelings are born for the parent of the opposite sex, you want to spend more time with him, create and keep your secrets, and most importantly, undividedly possess the object of desire. At this age, you can hear from your daughter: “When I grow up, I will marry my dad,” or the son says: “It would be better if there were no dad at all, I hate him, but I only love my mother.”
The girl competes with her mother for the love and attention of her father, and the boy fights with her father for her mother’s favor. But no matter how close the child’s relationship with his favorite is, he still leaves at some point with his adult partner, closing the door to the bedroom, where their secret is.
It was during this period that the child for the first time experiences an acute feeling of betrayal and rejection, he is perplexed: “we are so close, we had fun together, we were sad, we had a very good day, so why do you leave me at night to mom (dad) ?!”. On an emotional level, a conviction is formed that “there will always be a competitor who has something that I don’t have – some qualities, abilities or opportunities. Which means I’m not good enough for my object of affection. I need to try harder to keep his love for me.”
This is how the image of a virtual rival is formed in the mind, which pushes you to improve yourself all the time, strives for achievements and results instead of just enjoying your relationship with your lover. There is an internal endless struggle with all the women around, you must constantly “be the best.” In this case, it is difficult to live peacefully next to the chosen one, because there is a chronically painful feeling that he can still go to someone better.
Suffocating jealousy today is a consequence of the unresolved conflict of relationships from childhood “mom — dad — me.” The psyche seeks to close the traumatic experience, with the help of the current partner and similar circumstances. The competition for power and parental love carries over into adult relationships.
What to do?
In order to psychologically break out of the Oedipal feelings of jealousy and not carry the triangle scenario from childhood to adulthood, it is necessary to mourn the early betrayal of the parent and emotionally give it to mom (dad) with the conclusion “this is your partner, I will find my own”. Having dotted and separated from your parents, you are internally freed from the need to compete with an imaginary or real character.
This does not mean that you will never become jealous again, just that you will get rid of the absorbing power of obsessive thoughts about betrayal, and the pain of loss will be bearable.
Wherever and when jealousy appears, it is important to realize it, give the right to exist and live. There is a lot of energy in this feeling and it is better to use it as a creative resource — write poetry, dance passionate dances, draw pictures that appear in your imagination, etc.
Noticing jealousy in a baby, one should not scold him, shame him or convince him that jealousy is senselessly wrong and stupid. This method will not help. Of course, it’s easy for you to pretend that you don’t experience anything like this, but secretly will win back your discontent on other children.
Do not persuade him to share his things.
And do not provoke additional jealousy by emphasizing that the other baby is something special and therefore he needs all the attention. But do not deceive that you love all your children equally. Talk about love not in terms of “more — less”, but that it is exceptional and individual for each family member. Try to characterize it metaphorically, for example, I feel “fiery, hot, knocking” love for you. And to the other “calm, peaceful, quiet” tenderness.
In the parental triangle, do not allow the child to take the place of an equal partner, do not allow him to emotionally crowd out mom or dad. Speak and show: This is my husband (wife), and you will grow up and find your love. It is difficult for a child to live, but the internal conflict is resolved, and the topic of painful competition is closed.
Understanding the origins of tormenting jealousy, it makes no sense to blame partners, first you should understand your personal life history.
Learn to trust and open up. This does not mean blindly expecting that you will never be offended. No one can guarantee that their actions will not hurt you. But if you constantly avoid injury by hiding in a shell, do not show your vulnerability, do not open your feelings to your partner, then you will never know the taste of a deep relationship. Trust that you will have the strength to deal with any consequences of your trust.
Feel that in yourself there is a source of bliss and pleasure, and not in another person, and jealousy will lose its strength.
The opinion of the editors may not coincide with the opinion of the author of the article.